Normspiration

Time Off

2010-09-22T22:25:00.011-05:00

I finally got a summer break where I didn't have to worry about board exams or other things. It was like a gift from heaven having two weeks completely away from school (even though I did spend some time to visit a nearby residency program). For the first week, Cohen and I were in Utah by ourselves and Rach joined us for the last week. I was nervous about being on the airplane with just me and him but things went pretty good....until the battery ran out of the dvd player and there was no more Willy Wonka. That led to a bunch of screaming, and it was already past his bedtime so the screaming just got worse and luckily I was sitting next to two absolutely wonderful people (who's names I sending to the Vatican to be given sainthood) who took over after they saw how near tears I was and felt bad for me. The last two hours were a bit sketchy but we got through it and no one got seriously hurt although there were a couple passengers that looked like they wanted to throw their complimentary peanuts at me. Once in Utah we had a blast from beginning to end.

We were honing Cohen's swimming skills and floaty devices.
He was also used as a balance while the unicycle got dusted off and put to good use.
Running around the back yard while mooing was a daily occurrence. He would wake up in the mornings and run down the hall, pull a chair to the window so he could climb on it and would say "cow!," and "chicks!" each morning. The first day we were back in NJ he woke up and did the same but when he looked out the window he was a bit more quizzical "cow?" and "chicks?". It was sorta sad.
Cohen liked playing on this ride for a while before moving up to this ride!
He really like going on the motorcycle (which I'm not supposed to tell anyone because Rachael doesn't want to be judged) and cried when we took him off.
"Tour de Southern Utah" was great and has been the best ride I've ever taken.
Everyone had a great time and are already planning out next year's ride which will probably be through Yellowstone. Can't wait! (If I can actually go...I may have a job, with real hours, and responsibilities; weird).

Lots of scenic country was seen, a few wild turkeys, a peacock or two, bulls crossing the road and chasing Carson, Shaun taking pictures of himself while riding at high speeds, Dad hanging in the back soaking up every minute, and me getting angry and the lousy top-end of my bike. A great time was had by all, even the local bike guru of Escalante loved having us around and was real intent on making sure we knew he had tires for all makes and models so much so that we had a feeling that someone should stay up during the night and guard our tires from "The Bike Doctor" and his sticky fingers.

Johnson Fail

2010-07-19T20:48:00.000-05:00

2 Days and 3 Stars?

2010-06-07T22:15:00.005-05:00

During the last 2 days I randomly walked by these people during my commute. Am I surprised that I recognized them? Yes. Were they surprised that somebody recognized them? Definitely! Except for Ann, of course.

Jeff Hiller

Adrian Martinez

Ann Curry

2010-06-01T09:33:00.002-05:00

Bachelor Update

2010-05-30T17:16:00.007-05:00

Blisters after church. Thanks a lot church.

Just some of the additional fishing pics. Imagine fighting a fish with that 9 foot rod! What a blast!

Bachelor Week...Not the TV show

2010-05-30T09:52:00.010-05:00

That's what I woke up to this morning. Walking around the apartment has made the blister quite a bit bigger, which is doing nothing for my confidence in doing something fun tomorrow.
That's a 20 inch cutting board!
Taking the picture myself made it hard to get the entire fish in frame. I had to hold the fish farther away from the camera making it look smaller than it really is!

Last Thursday Rachael and Cohen went to Utah for a wedding leaving me all alone in our quiet apartment with nothing to do, except for whatever I wanted. So, to kick bachelor week off, I had a dinner of chips and dip with a side of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups which was very tasty and also meant that I didn't have any dishes to do. I was able to sleep an entire night without be woken by crying, or elbows and knees. For the first night in months I slept until my alarm woke me up and, because the sleep was deep enough, I was able to have dreams; not something that has happened for a while. I've also biked every day that I've wanted and not felt guilty because I should be home spending time with family or taking care of other duties.

However, the freedom hasn't been all good because while out on a beach/fishing trip yesterday I didn't put on sunscreen which has left me in a good deal of pain. In reality, this has been the worse sunburn I've ever had as my feet have blistered and swollen up a bit. While the care-free life has been welcome, it also has been limited by my own self destruction.

The fishing trip was a bit of a success as I caught the biggest fish in my life and really enjoyed the fight. I was fishing from a pier and could see in the distance some turbulence in the water making its way slowly toward the pier. As it came closer you could tell that it was a bunch of bait fish jumping out of the water and swimming sporadically as they were being chased by larger fish. The excitement on the pier started to build as they came within casting distance and everyone started jockeying for position. The first guy to catch a fish was bringing it in and it turned out to be one of these baitfish (which are about 10-12 inches). He got it close to the pier when a bigger fish came up from behind and bit it right in half, leaving him with only half a fish. I casted out and caught one of the predatory fish which dragged me from the left side of the pier, out across the end, and onto the right side before I could bring it up. It was a lot of fun. One guy caught one and it took his whole fishing pole into the water! Unbelievably enough, 30 minutes later a different guy got a strike and as he was reeling it in the first thing to come out of the water was a fishing pole! The other guy grabbed it and reeled it in and brought in the biggest fish of the night. It was incredible.

Once home, I slabbed on some aloe, filleted my fish and went to bed. Didn't wake up until 8:45! This is the latest I've slept in for 17 months! However, I haven't been able to walk around much because I'm trying to nurse my sunburned and swollen feet back to health so I can enjoy whatever tomorrow may bring. Who knows, maybe I'll go cycling, hiking, to Atlantic City, or watch a movie without listening to Rachael say "bad word" under her breath after every swear.

Well, it's lunch time and I have some left-over chips and Reese's from the other night!

Swingers

2010-05-16T07:32:00.002-05:00

Anorexia Isn't Such A Bad Idea All The Time

2010-04-11T20:48:00.004-05:00

The other day while working on one of my patients I began talking about one of the bike rides I like to take on the weekends. She then asked, "you're not one of those guys that wears those tight speedos, are ya?" Knowing she was talking about bike shorts, and being extremely embarrassed that I am one of those guys that wears "those tight speedos", I lied and told her, "of course not."

I know it may come as a surprise to many that I, indeed, do wear the dreaded lycra biker shorts; however, it did come after extensive deliberation between me and my prostate. In the end, my prostate won...it always does, and I gave way to the last shred of decency remaining and I wear the lycra. To show that it obviously wasn't an issue regarding my dignity, here is the pic of the towel-cape.

Welcome Digitalis

2010-03-21T22:23:00.005-05:00

It may seem like I dislike the digital age because I've stayed away from being enslaved by the fierce taskmaster that is Facebook, but on the contrary, I like digital things just as much as I like the syrup selection at IHOP. For example, digital cameras are the revolution to photography that propane was to bbq'ing. Nothing is more creepy than taking a roll of film to some mouth-breather who wears a gold chain to develop and see all my personal pictures. It's not like there is anything to hide but when you go to pick up the pictures and the developer-person starts asking questions like, "oh, that picture by the lake was beautiful. Where was it? Can I come next time?", it just makes you feel a little dirty. But much like the hip-hop group Kriss-Kross, I try look at things from all perspectives. If you happen to find yourself working a summer job being the developer I can only imagine the fear that must come over you as someone drops off a role of film, especially if that person happens to be sporting black fingernail polish, pants with unnecessary chains, a pencil-thin mustache, or drive up in a window-less van. Those are pictures no one should be forced to see. So I just thank heavens for digital cameras and the freedoms they give us to take pictures we would never imagine taking in to be developed.

Roadhouse

2010-02-17T10:39:00.006-05:00

With a kid, weekends mean different things than they used to. For instance, 8 am is now considered sleeping-in and 11 pm is considered staying up late. If it wasn't for Netflix and pbs, entertainment around here would be waning significantly. The new weekend ritual that I've really come to look forward to has nothing to do with finishing the kitchen sink at Angie's (those Loganites know what I'm talking about), Halo parties, hockey games, bonfires, or even going out to dinner; but involves a Classic, Short, and Indie. Each Saturday evening the local pbs channel plays a classic film, a short, and an independent feature. I especially like the classic and the short; and Rach especially hates the short and Indie because they rarely make any sense or have any dialogue. I found this programming by randomly flipping through channels one sat. night and they were playing a movie with my favorite actor, John Wayne followed by one of my favorite Independent movies, Momento (a movie not about the candy mento's); making that night one of the best ever. Since then my satisfaction has been kept high, that is until the month of February when everything went completely bonkers. They themed this month the month of "Women of the 80's." If it was cop movies of the 80's I could get on board, but not this. Not only is it hard to believe anything in the 80's can be considered a classic, but I can't stand Glenn Close or Meryl Streep. I think this is serious enough that pbs will be hearing from me. Oh ya, it's letter time.

2010-02-01T22:31:00.002-05:00

Some people are pretty good with pop culture (ie - Rachael can name every movie start that has every lived since 1980 and tell you 'who wore it best' on the red carpet) but I'm not hip enough to keep up with the times so I've found not trying to be the easier road out. Even though movies, music, and the like, aren't really my thing here's something new you might enjoy.

My underwear is older than he is

2010-01-19T16:21:00.005-05:00

Mostly a picture of me in tights, but Cohen likes the bike. The tights confuse him into thinking he has two moms.
Yes! He already loves fire. We'll have many a good bonfires as he grows up.
It was a delicate demolition involving his hands, face, and a soccer ball whistle.
Rachael spent many frustrating hours making this cake so he could destroy it. It's kinda like getting a ton of plastic surgery when you're young just to have it fall apart as you age.
One of the biggest hits was the Little Caesar's $5 pizza because there aren't any stores here....except for the one just built. Thanks to Rachael's letters to the governor it happens to be just around the corner from our apartment.

What Would Happen if Meg Ryan and Ryan Reynolds got married and he took her last name?

2009-12-18T00:24:00.011-05:00

Over the years I've taken up and dropped quite a few new hobbies. Some of which include:

Learning how to play a chantor
Bellydancing
Reading
Being a helpful husband
Editing wikipedia pages with misleading information
Rafting canals
Scuba diving
Playing player pianos
See which phrases sound best when spoken into a moving fan

Now I kinda do things like:

Stand in groups of people and just awkwardly make eye contact with everyone
Show Cohen the fine of art of belching
Make cynical comments about everyone/everything
Party-Boy dancing
Draw pictures of dragons and mythical creatures
Decorate
Buy expired foods from the "99 cent, more or less" store; like "megachoc" cookies
Collect 'Hard Rock Cafe' glasses
See how many times a day I can get Rach to say "quit being ridiculous"

Christmas Time Again!

2009-12-10T22:57:00.011-05:00

Time for a little boarding

Time for kids enjoying their new toys and the awesome boxes they come in

Time for disappointing looks

A lot of time spent in pj's

Time for using dangerous methods to peel potatoes

Time spent attempting to look badass

Time for Christmas lights and reflective snow angels

(but all I really want is time spent with a Grand Slam Breakfast and time for a movie for less than $12 a person)

2009-12-03T00:20:00.004-05:00

If anyone is friends with a Canadian that could explain their fascination with spook houses that would be great. This last weekend Rach and I spent at Niagra Falls and could not understand why there were so many. Thanks to Canada 3 things were ruined by this trip: 1. Buffets 2. Spook houses and 3. Burger King. At least they didn't give us any problems when we tried crossing the border with a TV hanging out of our trunk.

And The Winner Is...

2009-11-25T10:05:00.005-05:00

Lobster weighing in at 1.25 lbs vs Cohen weighing in at 20 lbs seems like an uneven match but once exoskeletons are brought into the mix it makes for a fair fight. Cohen went in for the kill early on which put Lobster on the defensive with his many tail flaps, which might have been effective had he been in water but on dry land it appeared more frightening than actually accomplishing anything. Once Lobster realized his hands were no longer rubber-banded, and the fear his creepy antenae create, things got a little more interesting and the fight had to be called early on due to hunger.

2009-11-22T15:34:00.001-05:00

Sham-poo sucks, I want the real thing.

2009-11-18T11:33:00.003-05:00

The brand of toilet in our new apartment is Church. Does that mean every time I visit the throne I'm going to church?

ps - Rach gets annoyed at my childish enjoyment of toilet humor

Getting Started On Cohen's New Year's Resolution

2009-11-14T22:39:00.003-05:00

As you can see from the apple-scale at Capitol Reef, Cohen has started packing on the pounds and getting a little flabby. I've just been wondering how long we should wait before we start counting those calories and putting him on a strict exercise regime. I checked Bally's and the front desk girl said they didn't have any specials for babies and the smallest dumbbell they have is 5 pounds. Unfortunately, Cohen is so out of shape I don't think he could even press his own weight let alone be able to use the 5lb dumbbell. I guess all the times he and I spent on runs meant nothing to him and he would have benefited more had he not been in a stroller being pushed around. At his age he should have felt bad seeing that I was doing all the work and getting all sweaty, but once again the marketplace has failed because the smallest running shoes I could find came in a size 8. No wonder why there is so much childhood obesity. We spend so much of our time blaming McDonald's when we only have ourselves to blame.

Throwback to 2007

2009-11-13T19:54:00.002-05:00

You know it's going to be a tough 4 years when you pull up to the new city you're about to live in and your wife starts crying.

Fake Smile - Check.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Ask "Why"

2009-11-07T00:49:00.003-05:00

I couldn't even remember what I was googling after I saw these results.

Ohhhh, A Decision's Been Made

2009-08-17T20:18:00.001-05:00

WWNAD

2009-08-12T21:58:00.008-05:00

Most likely it isn't possible that many people's Saturday mornings were like mine but if they were this is sort of what they looked like. As a kid I would wake up sort of early and turn on channel 7 (the public access channel). I'm not sure why but at this time of day good t.v. hadn't started yet, and by good t.v. what I really mean is info-mercials. The first show I would "catch" was a fishing one which is probably where my love of fishing came from and also my love to hear old men complain about stuff. From there it was the 'power hour' with Norm Abrams. "The New Yankee Workshop" and "This Old House" were awesome and if it ever came to blows we all know that Norm could hand Ty Pennington's butt to him in a finely crafted wooden box; alder, of course.

It's probably our desperate desire to finally live in a real home, that we own and can do whatever we want with, but Rach and I have become obsessed with shows like "House Hunters," "This Old House," and anything on HGTV. We also find ourselves drawing floor plans and layouts on napkins at restaurants, and spending hours on realtor.com. So really what this all boils down to is wwnad? What Would Norm Abrams Do? Would he go with a steam shower in the master bath or make an entire 'spa house' next to the pool; out of alder, of course?

2009-07-29T21:15:00.009-05:00

There are some really ugly babies out there; we feel pretty lucky that he's not one of them.

It's a pretty steep crevice, but that's how we roll....dangerously.

He's the only white kid there...I promise

I made the orange streamers. They symbolize his blossoming...I guess.

Some say you shouldn't feed your child poo this early in life; I say otherwise. When it comes to his real birthday I think we'll make a cake that will look better in pictures

His mom's already teaching him the power of 'cleave'

I Write, Even Though I'm Sick

2009-07-05T18:46:00.001-05:00

It's pretty much a given, but I decided that barges make everything better. Take, for instance, the Macy's firework show I saw this weekend. Having 6 synchronized shows going off simultaneously is cool enough, but do that from barges in water and, for some reason, it just becomes awesome. It was one of the coolest 25 minutes I've experienced, and I've had some pretty cool 25 minute experiences (insert marriage joke here).
This weekend wasn't all cool though. I came down with a little cold on Friday that I wanted to get over quickly so I made sure to get a lot of rest and only do a little fishing. Following fishing I watched a movie by Clint Eastwood called "Grand Torino." Not his worst work but not his best either. It's one of those movies that you watch for the racial slurs but stay around for the moral of the story...a little like "Stand and Deliver." Seeing Clint make his way into the sunset with this being his last film, I realized the need for a good action hero to step up. With the loss of Clint, Arnold, Stallone, and the decrepitness of other stars there isn't anyone there to fill their shoes. So with this I'll nominate Rob. He's obviously got the looks, but he's also in serious kickball training to whip himself in shape enough to play the part as well; without a stuntman...the way a real man of genius would.

Goiter Alert

2009-06-28T09:06:00.005-05:00

First, nothing good is on tv; second, there isn't a ton of stuff to do New York if you're broke; third, the only drama tv shows I've ever liked were Elimidate and Blind Date because they usually ended in someone getting slapped or having a make-out session in a hot tub; because of these things I occasionally turn to The Bachelorette for entertainment. What I got instead was disgusted. Giving ABC credit, they have done a great job in hiding Bachelorette Jillian's goiter in cute scarfs, high-neck collars, or hair that is conveniently slung over the shoulder but in the last episodes 'rose ceremony' that thing was more inappropriate than Michael Richards doing standup. This type of thing really concerns me because what if I'm wrong, what if it isn't a goiter at all but is, in fact, her thyroid cartilage and if her thyroid cartilage is that prominent you know what that makes her? A man! Delving even deeper into this, one can't help but realize that is exactly what ABC is going to do for the season finale; they'll pull the rug right out from everyone and give a twist nobody expected...that this season's Bachelorette is really just an additional season of the Bachelor! It's crazy, I know, but there is a little-known network race going on to exploit transgendered people in order to achieve shock ratings. Well, they can count me out because I see right through this little game of theirs, and if I'm wrong, I don't care because I don't want to watch a giant goiter on tv anyway. That's just gross.

....That's What She Said

2009-06-22T15:49:00.004-05:00

I often overhear some very strange conversations as I walk through New York and sometimes seeing still isn't believing. For instance, just today I saw the most radical tattoo ever; a guy who was about 25 yrs old was sporting a giant tatt of the 'stay puft marshmallow man' with an inscription that said "just try me pillsbury." Apparently he has it out for pillsbury, or had one too many drinks after watching Ghostbusters...judging by his Mitsubishi Eclipse he has a history of making poor decisions. Poor decisions or not, I'm sure everyone has been somewhere (usually places like Chili's) where there is someone engaging in prate. I could use the entertainment so please leave any of your own experiences of overhearing stupid stuff in the comment box; otherwise, here are some that I remember off the top of my head.

· Guy #1: “you're always smiling, every time I see you you're smiling”
· Guy #2: “that’s because you look so funny”
· Bus driver: “what’s with all these floats”
· Guy #1: “I’m pretty sure it’s for a parade”
· Lady #1: “ya, it’s for the gays; parades are their thing”
· Old man: “she’s 20 yrs old and looks about 285 lbs; she won’t live to be 30 at that rate”
· Us sitting down to dinner at PF Changs: “this table looks just fine”
· Waitress, pointing at our child in a carseat: “and wait do you want to do with that thing”
· Father-in-law: “what did you just call my grandson?”
· 94 yr old spry lady in my dental clinic: “how did you 2 white boys get in with all these Asians”
· Me: “I know, I thought they were only good at math”
· Girl #1: “her kids smell like the balls at McDonald’s Playland”

Just Another Pretty Face

2009-06-01T21:37:00.005-05:00

Good times were had by all this past week as mom and dad visited us. A steady stream of activities kept everyone busy but, more importantly, kept mom and dad out of the city. The city just doesn't appeal to some and I'm fine with that because there are many fun things to do in Jersey (if you can believe it). Some things Jersey's got to offer are gang wars, knife fights, muggings, drifting, money laundering, and tons of loitering. One thing we like to do every now and then is going to Palisades Park which has a trail along the Hudson River. We like looking for glass that has been rounded and polished by the water but I really like looking for bodies, satchels, or other evidence of crimes that get washed to shore. I always envisioned having an entire 'Turner and Hooch' adventure if I did find something, minus the Hooch. Boy, that Tom Hanks can really solve his mysteries; which reminds me of when I was 9 and had just read a 'Hardy Boys' book and subsequently grabbed a magnifying glass and went to the canal looking for adventure. Surprising, nothing really turned up, even though the canal road was Riverton's hotbed for criminal activity, but I ended burning lots of stuff with the magnifying glass. Later the magnifying glass was replaced with a bb gun and each year when the canal got emptied a neighbor and I would go up there and try and shoot the huge carp that were getting stranded by the low water levels. That usually entertained us long enough until someone eventually get stung by a catfish and we would go home. Anyway, I can see how this useless attempt to post something has ended up being even less satisfying than vanilla ice cream. Oh well, next time I just post a random youtube video.

Not That Into Recommending Movies

2009-05-10T15:36:00.002-05:00

"Lars and the Real Girl" is just a sincere movie that made me laugh a couple of times so if you're tired of good weather and just want to sit inside watching a movie, you may enjoy this one.

Don't Judge Me For Being Materialistic

2009-05-09T10:25:00.010-05:00

I like to call it forward thinking and planning ahead but after only two years of dental school I’m already thinking about what to get myself for a graduation present. This isn’t a “Rachael approved” list and probably doesn’t include everything I would like as a graduation present (ie an air force fighter jet) but it is a start and apparently I like to dream big.

After several years of driving a modest Nissan Versa, can you blame me for wanting a sports car? And because it has an electronically limited top speed of only 187 mph, it isn’t that over the top.

And topping the list is the Harly V-Rod. If Rach turns her head for a second I will get this bike.
I’ve only had one set of clubs since I learned how to golf 13 yrs ago so I think it is about time to upgrade to a new set. I will do it right this time and get a set that is customized to my swing. After years of hopelessly trying to get better, the only hope of becoming a decent golfer remains with just buying expensive clubs that even the drummer from Def Leopard could be a good golfer with.
After going sailing in Maine last summer I realized it is a great way for me to finally realize one of my dreams…searching for pirate’s booty.

My list could go on but I’ve learned that I would rather dream about getting stuff than actually spending the money and getting it (fine, I’m cheap; it has taken a lot of years for me to finally admit that). And even though Rachael pretty much gets everything she wants, I realize I’m not the only one who is making lots of sacrifices and will deserve some sort of reward when this whole thing is over. Here are some projected Rachael presents:
- U pick 2: pick any two things you want plastic surgery on
- Vegas baby, Vegas (what? She’s a blackjack fiend)
- A Jack LaLane juicer
- A new couch…one with a premade butt-groove
- A Scooter
- A maid
- An autographed Matthew Macconaghey poster
- A new pair of shoes
- A keg of Coke Zero
- An apartment without neighbors
- Cable tv

2009-04-30T21:19:00.002-05:00

The future is here my friends! There finally is a half pig, half sheep out there. My dream of one day eating mork will soon be a reality.

A Dilemma of Sorts

2009-04-21T18:40:00.007-05:00

Here are some odd situations and quandaries that I came across this week. If you have any answers to these questions I would sure like to know.

If you happen to see a guy urinate on the subway platform and walk away, do you tell the next person who just walked up what they're standing in? Won't it just ruin his day to know that his leather-soled business shoes are sloshing around in human urine?

Is medicinal marijuana against the word of wisdom?

What is the protocol if you walk past a guy who is passed out and face down on the sidewalk and lying in what appears to be his own urine?

Is it illegal to be naked in your own back yard?

A Little Late, But Always Worth The Wait...sometimes

2009-04-20T08:22:00.007-05:00

After a while of getting odd looks and disturbing stares it was time to lose the march mustache. As you can tell, the decision to rid my face of the illustrious whiskers was a difficult one as it took until the middle of April to remove the Mustache of March. I thought it was a fair tribute to bust out the towel-cape as a way to say goodbye. As an aside, the towel-cape occupies a space in my closet right between my two suits...I must secretly consider it to be formal wear.

Well, It Is A Step Up From Reno

2009-03-30T06:31:00.002-05:00

Things I’ve grown to like about nyc:

• Girls wear high heals and nice clothes. It is a much needed step up from Utah where it is hard to find a girl not wearing pajamas and flip flops at 3 in the afternoon; not to mention having her hair in a ragged pony tail.
• Public transportation. I’ve never been a fan of traffic and choosing which lane is moving faster. My 1 ½ hr. commute in Florida really caused me to hate other drivers which makes sitting in the subway or on the bus a relief knowing that no one will look or talk at me the entire ride.
• Rent: I mean, who doesn’t love paying more than $1,000 for a small 2 bedroom apt?
• The weather has that great characteristic of being freezing cold in the winter and sweaty hot in the summer.
• As and ammendum to the public transportation I like that people have to walk everywhere because sometimes it is fun to just meander around, looking at stuff. It also helps to keep the obesity in check and no one likes a fatty.
• I used to love going to downtown slc because I liked looking at the architecture on all the large buildings down there. NYC is a lot like that, but with neat buildings everywhere and on a much bigger scale.
• The sanitation department. How they are able to clean up after 8 million people and still find space to dump it all in the Hudson is beyond me.
• I like that if you drive 45 minutes away from my apt you will either be at the beach or in a thick wilderness.
• They make all the chain restaurants post how many calories are in a meal. It helps make a more educated decision when I’m at McDonald’s and choosing to eat a meal that has 250-1100 calories or the meal that has 225-1095 calories. Sometimes I wonder why they can’t make the range just a little more specific.
• I love that the cops have better things to do than pull people over for extremely petty infractions (ie turning without signaling, having a tire cross the solid white line, not wearing a seatbelt); however, somehow I did get ticketed for being in the subway without paying even though I own an unlimited monthly pass.
• It is nice to know what part of town you are in just by the smell. Uptown: crap. Midtown: worse crap. Chelsea: even worse crap. Chinatown: the worse crap ever.

Before You Knew Ken Jennings Existed

2009-03-04T10:33:00.003-05:00

10 yrs ago this is sort of what life looked like:

Nobody owned a cell phone. If it wasn't for Saved By The Bell I wouldn't have known they existed
Most likely you were paying for internet by the minute
Carl's Jr's spicy chicken sandwich ruled the $1 sandwich kingdom
Apple who?
When you went camping to get away from it all you didn't pack a DVD player
Most likely you were listening to Blink 182
I wanted to know who would win in a fight: Backstreet Boys or New Kids on the Block
People had satellite tv...you know, the one that required a dish in your backyard the size of a Buick LaSabre
I was awesome at bowling
There weren't a million prime time shows taking place in either a court room or investigating crime scene
Being gay wasn't cool yet
The debate over which one was better, WCW or WWF, was still unanswered
Nate and I were workout partners in weightlifting class
Remember the catch phrase "Waaaaaaa-sssssuuuuuup?" I do
Spew was contemplating the best way to out Dave from the carpool
Our main mode of transportation was D-Rock's van
We had the awesomest church ball team ever....2 words: Jared Pena
You might have been reminded that baseball was still a sport because of Mark McGuirre's many tainted home runs
You weren't spending your day poking people on Facebook and thinking of one-lined phrases to describe how feel

Tiger's Back

2009-02-26T10:20:00.001-05:00

2009-02-22T21:54:00.004-05:00

If Rachael were still bringing home a paycheck this bike would be mine.

I'm A Zero on the Motivation Scale

2009-02-22T21:43:00.005-05:00

Since I'm not devoting as much time to school as I used to, I had a freaking awesome run today. About once a week I've been going to the track and doing various interval exercises to build my legs back up and today I went for a short run just because the track got a little boring. It was fun. There are few times where going running is enjoyable and most of those enjoyable runs are on trail runs through the woods, or covering a lot of ground on high mile days, or, like today, hitting a gear that you haven't hit in a long time. It only makes me wish my Prefontaine 'stache were still here.

Manhattan Mannerism

2009-02-21T23:50:00.002-05:00

When first arriving in New York there were things we've just had to get used to over time. About a year ago I went to McDonald's for lunch (in my quest to be the "trillionth" served) and about midway through my meal I walked up to the front counter, like I had done many times before, and asked for a refill. The girl took my cup in one hand, put her other hand on her hip, and with her head slightly cocked to one side, handed me back my cup and said "uhhh, we don't do that." Sheepishly, I took my cup back and saddled back into my chair. Since then my trepidation to ask for a refill at McDonald's has kept me from doing so and about midway through my meals I find myself chewing on whatever ice is left in the bottom of my cup; I even do the thing where you have to bang on the bottom of you cup to get that last piece of ice that is clinging to the bottom with all its might in hopes of avoiding the doom of being eaten. Those are battles I can usually win, but every now and then I come across a piece of ice that is stuck so tenaciously to the bottom of the cup that I just give up. Today in McDonald's I decided to go round 2 with the front counter girl and asked for a refill. Once again she took my cup, and once again she looked at me with a hand on her hip and head slightly tilted to one side, but this time she pivoted around on one foot and asked her manager what to do. The manager then says, "What's he havin'?" ps - at this point I'm wondering, "what difference does it make what I'm having?" The girl said, "Dr. Pepper," to which he replied "ummm, I guess it's okay." How messed up is it if you go to McDonald's and can't even expect to get a refill?

I Feel Like John Candy at an All-You-Can Eat Buffet

2009-02-15T23:16:00.003-05:00

Does anyone have a good cure for compulsive weekend binge eating?

There's More Blood In Hockey

2009-02-14T10:48:00.009-05:00

Whoa,this is going to be a huge weekend for me. I've got Valentines, my anniversary, and my personal favorite...the Daytona 500. As a sort of preface, I've never liked Nascar. There have been several times where the attempt to watch a race has been made but 15 minutes of watching Nascar is probably worse than being hazed at Gitmo (ok, maybe not that bad). Then I moved to Florida which tries hard to be in the South but not of the South which is a lot like a hot girl trying to fit in with a group of fat friends...it never works out. So after countless weeks of commercials advertising Daytona week I decided to give the race a try. Oh...my...gosh. It was awesome. After watching a car finish the race sliding across the finish line upside down I wondered how I could have gone this long without watching a full race. One of the things about the Daytona 500 is that it happens to be the Super Bowl of Nascar so unlike football where you wait an entire season to watch 2 broken down teams try and compete with whoever still can take the field, Nascar starts the season finding out who's got the best skill to drive around an oval for 500 laps better than anyone else. Fantastic!

Other than that, I realize how much I dislike the mainstream sports. Sometimes I try to pretend that I like professional basketball, baseball, and football, but the honest truth is I would much rather be playing any of those sports or watching one of the less popular sports instead. For instance, I love watching golf, the Tour de France, boxing, bowling, highlights of the Ironman, ultimate fighting, Lacrosse, horse racing, rugby, SuperG skiing, dressage, and especially hockey. Hockey truly is the only sport that is dominated by real men. I would much rather watch bearded men skating on ice than overpaid juiced-up whiners wearing diamond earrings playing football any day. The only whining heard from hockey players is when the NHL tries to impose stricter rules on the game to make it safer...and there is no shameless dancing in the endzone or other prancing around in hockey...that kind of activity would be deserving a stick to the face, not a tap on the fanny.

Blame Canada

2009-02-12T07:58:00.005-05:00

Old people are interesting to be around for many reasons. Most of them are usually happy and funny because they understand if they aren't entertaining they won't be able to get anyone to visit them in their odd smelling houses or at the ole folks home. I also like to hear them bitch about how the world is going to hell and in their day they would've whipped some ass and set stuff straight. Besides being great at complaining, I also like to hear their colorful stories. You can never tell how much embellishment goes into these stories but they're good to hear nonetheless. Take for example a guy I became good friends with in Oregon. One day we were talking about how he ended up living in Oregon and found out it was because he was banned from every casino in Las Vegas because he belonged to a group of MIT college students who were counting cards. So he moved to Oregon where he was close enough to some of the smaller Indian casinos he could go to on the weekends yet far enough from Vegas that nobody knew him by face. So as a professional blackjack player he would spend his weekdays lounging about and his weekends in a casino counting cards. One weekend one of his partners got a massive beat down when they were signaling to each other through little LED lights attached to the underside of the brim of their hats. Also, I'm pretty sure he burned down his own garage so he could collect on the insurance...and he grew the best tomatoes I've ever eaten.

There is another old man I occasionally think about because he had a dream he was very committed to and I wonder if he ever succeeded. He was very involved in the sport of dance-skating, which is a lot like figure skating but on roller skates and there is no Brian Boitano. One evening he took me to the roller rink where he would watch the dance-skaters and listen to the organ music being played by Jeff because Tim was such a playboy he got fired...but Tim was better. So we sat there and he explained to me the intricacies of dance-skating and how the only thing he wanted was to live to see the 100th birthday of the roller rink; which was 2 yrs away at the time. They were going to have a huge party and he was going to show up wearing the jersey he had to wear when he was the "rink police." Sometimes I wonder if he got to see his dream come true. It would be sad if he never did. But I'm sure when he passes he will spend as much time as possible at the rink watching the dancers and haunting the skeeball machines so they take everyone's quarter.

If I were a doorknob I'd let you touch me

2009-02-11T20:24:00.002-05:00

First off, I love music videos about fishing. Secondly, about 3 yrs ago I was involved in a community service project with about 10 others. When trying to determine what to do in order to help out a certain organization, one of the guys in the group swore up and down that he was good friends with this band and they would have no problem coming to Logan to throw a benefit concert. Everyone jumped on board and got really excited. Me, being more pragmatic, suggested we have a 5k fun run instead. About 2 months and a little ridicule later guess what we were all doing...hosting a fun run!

Blood Lust

2009-02-07T12:32:00.004-05:00

Last night as I was doing Rachael's taxes, I say Rachael's taxes because my income last year was 0 which means I don't count other than being able to collect certain stimulus checks and education credits, I came across the date of when we filed our taxes last year. That date was Feb. 18. Doubting others know the significance of this date I'll go ahead and tell you. Feb. 18 is mine and Rachael's anniversary. Other than falling suspiciously close to Valentine's Day, this date apparently happens to be the time when I get the tax itch.

This year's taxes weren't as kind to us as we would have liked; primarily the result of an unthoughtful child who didn't have the decency to be born 20 days earlier liked I had hoped. Now we have to go almost 365 days before we can claim him as a dependent. Not that big of a deal considering I'm going to do my best to have him sewing shoes for Nike as soon as possible. No freeloaders allowed at our place.

While speaking of Valentines Day/Anniversary does anyone have any ideas of a present that is too much for one holiday but less than giving two separate presents? Btw, coupons for "1 free massage" are no longer accepted at the Bank de la Rachael (either are "buy one get one free" coupons).

2009-01-31T12:30:00.001-05:00

A couple of years ago I watched this guy play in Park City. I really like his songs "Crown" and "Ulysses." About 2 weeks ago I tried remembering his name and it finally came to me last night for some reason. I know that there isn't any cool flamenco dancing and you can't see if he has a beard or not, but enjoy anyway.

Marriage Supporter

2009-01-29T00:09:00.004-05:00

If marriage definitions became so blurred that you could legally marry a dog would it be ethical to buy tons of life insurance in hopes of collecting big once its short lifespan were up? If that were the case, wouldn't it just be better to marry a goldfish or something with an even shorter lifespan (would it be considered murder if you left for the weekend and forgot to feed it)?

The Crabapple of My Life

2009-01-27T10:16:00.004-05:00

I bought a new mac laptop last summer and if any of you are contemplating jumping on the Apple bandwagon I've had nothing but terrible experiences with them. It all came to a fulminating head two weekends ago when the thing decided to crash and lose everything. Devastating. All my notes, lectures, pictures, and Neil Diamond music was lost. A month ago I was contemplating backing everything up but decided I would do it later since it was such a new computer nothing would go wrong. In the words of Gob, "I think I've made a huge mistake." So at midnight I ran my heartless computer to the city to a 24 hr. mac shop where the best they could do was sell me a data recovery program for $100. I would say it was worth it because it did get a ton of my stuff back, but it is all so mixed up that it is nearly impossible to organize. For instance, if I had a 3 page word document the recovery would find 3 separate pages and assign each page random numbers instead of the original name. Luckily, I got all my Neil Diamond music back in time to have "We're Coming to America" playing in the background as Rach gave birth to my son Cohen.

Lead Queen

2009-01-13T00:48:00.006-05:00

For most of my life, whenever I go places it isn't uncommon for someone to approach me and ask where they've seen me before. Maybe it's my completely average looks that reminds them of someone they know, but there have been some celebrities I've been told I look like:

Marty McFly from Back to the Future
Prefontaine
Ryan Gosling
Lance Bass
Mom thinks I look Robert Redford
Andres Nocioni
and now...Rachael connects me with Freddie Mercury

If you didn't notice, yes, I did cut my hair. The moustache is holding steady against all odds and I'm prepared to see this thing through. I believe it is very important to the fetus that I have a moustache when it is born and so that's what the plans are. Just now I'm realizing how most people set goals related to careers, education, getting certified in a certain skill, or how much weight they can gain during a single meal; not me. It is becoming more evident how my goals relate more towards facial hair....oh, and getting an underwater metal detector so I can search all the Uinta Lakes for gold.

Of Math and Men

2009-01-10T16:51:00.004-05:00

For one of this Christmas's white elephant gifts I built a potato launcher and this was one of the test runs. It was a lot of fun but later that evening there was a little accident with fire and too much fuel that temporarily put it, and my beard, out of commission. My younger brother was the lucky one who got it at the white elephant party and told me that he fixed the ignition switch and, since, has shot it many times. It is really sturdy and can launch potatoes like you can't believe. Just from that mini test I was able to calculate that the potato left the gun at approximately 65-68 mph and went about 90 meters. I don't doubt that during the failed shoot (in which we used way too much fuel and didn't have the launcher well stabilized) the potato left at twice that speed and if so (and if the launcher was held at 35 degrees) the potato launched about 325 meters (~355 yards). This project was much more fun than I had hoped and is definitely more enjoyable than the rock tumbler I was planning on putting together instead.

My Fate Is In Your Hands

2009-01-04T21:55:00.004-05:00

There aren't many things that I am very good at, and looking cool is one of those things. So I usually just do whatever and cut my losses. Today, I saw a kid at church that brought reality to my little dreamland. You see, this kid also has shaggy hair and it made me realize just how bad I must look. When confronted about his hair he said he wanted to look like Chris Angel, his "favorite magician." Thus, I'm pretty certain the hair and the 'stache is gonna be 'outta here by the end of the week (even though my goal of looking like Prefontaine has taken some shape; as is my neck skin). Before I bid farewell to what has taken months to grow I thought I would bring it to anyone who cares to comment on whether it should stay or go.

A New York Minute

2009-01-02T00:57:00.002-05:00

As the year changed from 2008 to 2009 we were graced with an extra second to do whatever we wanted with. I'm not exactly sure how scientists claim that our calender is off by 1 second but it provides a nice opportunity to kiss a little longer, hold hands a little longer, hold tight a little longer, longer with Big Red...oops, sorry, every now and then my mind slips into 80's commercials. So I'm sort of curious how you spent your extra second. Were you busy sending a mass text message to everyone you know saying "Happy New Year," or were you enjoying time with family, or just playing with goats? I spent my extra second trying to gain more leg space as Rach and I went to bed. I'm hoping to set precedent in 2009 where my legs will no longer remain cramped on the edge of the bed but may roam free across the vast space of our queen sized bed unafraid of prodding from the "Regulators" which are Rachael's feet.

2008-12-30T12:40:00.005-05:00

In compiling a year in review I came across this article which says it much better than I can. It is sort of long but fairly accurate and kind of funny.

2008-12-16T23:24:00.001-05:00

I'm a sucker for music performed by a dude with a huge beard.

Obladee, Obladah

2008-12-15T14:47:00.003-05:00

It has come to my attention the disgruntlement occurring within my household which mostly revolves around the distribution of the workload. I’ll have you know that none of the gruntlement is coming from my camp, mostly just Rachael’s. Apparently, dirty dishes belong in the dishwasher (dilemma occurs when clean dishes already fill the dishwasher), clothes don’t belong on the floor, dinner should be cooked by me some of the times, toilet needs to be cleaned, lunches made, and groceries shopped for. However, I have a defense; I’m busy. It isn’t easy to do well in school and look so good while doing it. After sitting in lectures and then studying the night away I can easily put these things off for the weekend or let a dish “soak” in the sink. So here is what I’m proposing to do…the good ‘ol switcharoo. Rach will get a week to prepare for one my tests and if she gets a passing score (which at NYUCD is 70%) then I’ll take over her work for a week. In all actuality I have a lot of confidence that she will pass considering she’s probably smarter than most the people in my class (it might be harder than she thinks, and if it is maybe I’ll get a little pity out of the deal and she’ll call off my end of the bargain).

This Will Kill You...Or My Name's Not Robert Loggia

2008-12-13T15:45:00.001-05:00

What Would Ty Pennington Do?

2008-12-07T21:10:00.001-05:00

Out here in New York, most of the people don’t have much time because they are pretty serious, driven, and dedicated. Because of this we haven’t really made many friends or found many people that aren’t too busy with their family, church, school, bar, or work to spend time with. So mostly Rach and I just hang out and make fun of everyone else. As a result, my party ideas have just been accumulating and, much like a owning a pig that you aren’t planning on eating, they haven’t been put to good use. So here are some ideas that are better suited for people like me…one’s without dignity
• The Zach Morris Rager (come dressed up as one of your favorite “Saved by the Bell” characters)
• Douche-fest (show up in your Eclipse or on your bullet bike and dress in the most cool looking outfit from any decade; ie show up wearing not one, or two, but possibly 3 polo shirts all with the collars “popped”)
• Dutch-fest (warm up your dutch ovens and whoever cooks the best wins the life-sized poster of Cee Dub, the world’s finest dutch oven master)
• Jordan River Fish Fry (catch ‘em, kill ‘em, and grill ‘em…if you dare, bwaaaa hahaaa.)
• Popday: enjoy an afternoon enjoying pop, otter pops, pop-rocks, pop culture, popular mechanics magazines, popcorn, poppies, popeye cartoons, and 80’s music (just because it makes everything better
• Sturgis (4 wheels, anything you can sit in, a steep down slope, possible fractures, and only 1 winner)
• This idea is from a movie I would rather not let anyone know that I watched but they were playing polo but with mountain bikes instead of horses. That looked almost as fun as that motorcycle demolition derby I once watched.
Well, these really weren’t the gems that they appeared to be while still in my head but I guess that’s what blogging is really about…making it public how retarded you really are.

Response to Nate's Cure - Spiderman Vid

2008-12-04T23:40:00.001-05:00

A Rich 50 is Like a Middle Class 38

2008-12-01T17:31:00.002-05:00

This weekend we did a lot of driving and discovered one of the best ways to travel, in the slow lane. I wish I was all deep and thoughtful and stuff but I literally mean that traveling in the slow lane is the best way to go. Why? For some reason everyone thinks that they are actually going faster than everyone else and so they fill up the left two lanes and just leave the slow lane WIDE open. Traditionally there are two groups that habitually think they need to plant themselves in the passing lanes. One is the mini van driver. The interesting thing about the mini vans is that they pretty much hold a ‘get out of jail free’ card. They have the performance to do way more than they should, considering they are driving a mini van, and they are large enough to give themselves a false sense of security. This means that you may see them chugging along in the fast lane at a very slow pace while a parent is furiously trying to maintain order in the back seat and 5 minutes later they are whizzing by at speeds I only wish the Dodge Colt could have done. The second group that tends to cement themselves in the fast lane is Idahoans. After putting some thought in on the subject I can easily forgive them as they are used to only having one lane with a speed that is dictated only by how fast their ’85 Ford Taurus can take them.
Additionally, be aware that luxuries are only luxuries if you use them. What I mean is, if you have cruise control on your car please, for the love of all that is holy, use it. Nothing can get my dander up like passing someone 100 times because they go 45 mph up a hill and 95 mph down it. So find a speed you like, set the cruise, and be done with it. Maybe I put way too much stock in cruise control. Once I even drove from downtown SLC to my house in Riverton using nothing but the cruise control, it got a little tricky at stoplights. That feat was almost as difficult as that time I made a left hand turn in my truck, steering with my knees while downshifting and tying my shoes at the same time.

2008-11-24T17:09:00.000-05:00

Ways rach and I have tried saved money:
• Turned off the heater at nights. Utilities are expensive, but probably worth it; especially after waking up and the apartment is 48 degrees
• Waited for someone at the horsetrack to throw way their program. This gets us $1.50 closer to making another bet!
• Going to Burger King on date night. If that isn’t bad enough; we order one burger, get the receipt, do the telephone survey, and then redeem our free whopper!
• Buy bootleg DVD’s. Twilight is already out for those Vampire lovers out there.
• Order one dinner and then get the upgraded all-you-can-eat salad bar for $1.99 more and then share.
• Making our own towel-capes
• When we go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art where the ‘suggested’ entrance fee is $20/person, we only give $1.00 for the two of us.
• Thank you neighbor’s wireless internet
• Snuck White Castle into a movie
• And, most importantly, not buy anything we want (except for Rachael)

He Stole Most of My T-Shirts

2008-11-22T18:12:00.013-05:00

Every now and then I get an email from my studly brother Carson which usually updates me on all the stuff he’s been up to. The good emails usually have pictures enclosed and are deserving of an entire post dedicated entirely to captionless pictures. I left them captionless because there is no reason for me to tell you how cool they are. So we’ll forego lazily posting my favorite youtube video of the evening and focus on some pictures of Carson instead and just say, “dang, I wish I could’ve been there.” And yes, he has always had a love of vans and did reupholster his motorcycle seat with fur.

Murray Is For Lovers

2008-11-20T14:42:00.002-05:00

Some people called them eyesores, but I never did. To me they stood for something, I’m not exactly sure what they stood for, but I’ve always enjoyed them. To this day when people talk about the collapse of the twin towers, I remember that awful day in 2000 when I watched on the corner of 90th and State St. as they tumbled in a heap, spreading asbestos-laden dust particles all across the valley. I might not have shown it, but that morning I was a little sad. Not even the breakfast at Johanna’s could soothe my loss, even though I was served by a memorable waiter named Tchad. You know what I’m referring to yet? I’m talking about the Murray smoke stacks. They might have been considered eyesores to some, but to those people I say nertz to you and ask why don’t you tear down the refining factories in N. SLC, what about Kennecott, California Ave, Geneva steel, Kearns, and that half-torn down Southern Exposure on State St? After all that I suppose we could drain the Great Salt Lake too so that we don’t have to smell and look at that either; actually I would agree to that, the GSL was never a great place to get rid of stuff anyway…things would just sit there and float. So I ask that you take a moment today and rekindle your endearing love of ‘the stacks,’ I know I will…probably with a little Barry Manilow in the background of a dimly lit room.

Good for a Chuckle

2008-11-19T21:21:00.001-05:00

2008-11-18T21:16:00.000-05:00

What I look like everytime the market goes lower and lower.

2008-11-16T18:11:00.002-05:00

This is what Rach looks like after only paying $1.89/gallon for gas!

Great Times

2008-11-14T12:50:00.001-05:00

One Of Thooose Friday Nights

2008-11-07T21:50:00.001-05:00

Well, I liked it

Can You Please Trim The Fat

2008-11-03T21:59:00.004-05:00

It's not easy being manly when you're surrounded by shopaholics, rich kids, metrosexuals, and east coasters (most of whom consider it getting out in the country by going to their home in the Hampton's) and I am slowly losing man-nerisms that only going into the woods and killing something with a high powered rifle can bring back. So here are some habits that I've sadly adopted:

1. eating veggie burgers (or if those are unavailable, ordering turkey burgers; they have less fat)

2. watching Grey's Anatomy (kill me now)

3. matching my belt to my shoes (most of the time)

4. looking out the window and thinking "oooh, I think it's scarf weather"

5. catching up on the foliage report (the only reason a real man needs to look at the foliage report is to get an idea of what color of camo he needs to wear to better kill something)

6. doing the dishes

7. putting product in my hair (hair should only be as complicated as "which side should I push my hair to?")

8. having Rach kill the spiders

9. thinking that it might be okay to add more regulation firearms (I don't really, but if I did, that would be very UN-masculine)

10. being disgusted by people who fish from the Hudson River (fishing is fishing, and any fishing is better than no fishing....regardless, no one should ever eat a fish from the Hudson)

11. buying one of those "newsie" hats

12. making a towel-cape and then taking a picture of me wearing it, and then putting it on the internet

13. having soft, caressable hands

14. using a purple loofah

15. Rach's straightner is a hand-me-down from me

As you can see I am in some dire need for some manifying. I think my first need will be to replace my broken lacrosse head so that I can join a men's lacrosse league this summer. Since Nate coached a high school team (which team shall remain nameless because of the shame they brought on themselves when they allowed a goal by one of our defensemen) you probably know which sticks are good so any suggestions would be awesome. Does anyone have other ideas on what I can do to get out of this fem-rut?

Nice Mudflaps

2008-10-26T19:54:00.009-05:00

(Ignore the burnt crust, it broke off and I had to use a little creativity to get it to stay in place)

It pretty much goes without saying that, while most (if not all) enjoy having a pie made for us, there are a select - glorious few that delight in the making of delicious, encrusted desserts. Friday night I half-heartedly joined those ranks. Lately I have been bingeing on saving and conserving so after the carving of my pumpkin I needed something to do with the scraps. So into the kitchen I went and after a few minutes of disorganizing things and clunking pots and pans, Rach came to take things over. Determined to do this on my own, I let her bake the seeds while I was left to my own devices with the pie filling. It was pretty simple and really turned out great. The pie ended up turning out almost as good as my carving did. I knew I did a good job because after coming home from basketball Saturday morning I found Rach eating it for breakfast. There were a few obstacles standing in the way of making the pie. The biggest deterrent was pure disgust of pumpkin pie that Rosamond Elementary instilled in all of us that attended there because each November they would serve us the most vile pumpkin pie ever known to man and then they would top it off with some type of whipped lard which they tried to pass of as whipped cream. yuk. Luckily Friday healed my wounded pumpkin pie heart.

Ronnie James Dio

2008-10-19T10:22:00.002-05:00

Moon Over My Hammy

2008-10-15T14:22:00.003-05:00

While I was walking home from school a couple of weeks ago, my friend mentioned something about a half marathon the next day and I decided to do it. Probably not the smartest thing I have done (wow, I say that phrase a lot) but it was fun and I was happy with my time (2 hrs) considering that my training consisted of running 2 miles 3 weeks earlier, and googling how long half marathons are. Rach posted the video she took of the finish line where I looked I was dying as girls and people in their golden years were flying by me. Click Here for the vid.

All They Really Need Is Some Scuba Gear and a Powerful Metal Detector

2008-10-10T21:49:00.001-05:00

Just Because I Rock Doesn't Mean I'm Made of Stone

2008-10-10T11:12:00.005-05:00

Rach and I have been trying to decide on what we should be for Halloween and I've always though I would make a good Jabba. Lukily, Rach doesn't really like my blog so it will give me time to devise a way to tell her that I already bought a maternity brass bikini; which is pretty much what you would think it is.....a brass bikini but with a lycra waistband. As for the Jabba costume, having prepared for this all year by eating copious amounts of sugar cookies and moose tracks icecream, all that will need to be done is to add a tail and eat an occasional squid thingy.

Fat Lady Always Claps Her Hands

2008-10-08T22:11:00.001-05:00

I can't remember if I've ever posted these guys before but they used to be my favorite back when we lived in Florida. Rach hates 'em; I guess she doesn't have an ear for fine music.

Rach Thinks I'm Studying

2008-10-06T06:51:00.004-05:00

You know you're becoming a little too involved when you spend your time emailing John Mccain and Chris "Where's the Beef" Cannon. Maybe in my next emails to them I'll send something a little more political instead of pictures of me in a swimsuit.

I Beat Anorexia

2008-09-29T09:40:00.006-05:00

Few people have the 'behind the scenes' look of what goes on with an orchestra behind the scenes. It is understandable for people to think those who belong to an orchestra are uptight, classy snobs; however, this weekend I went undercover as an uptight, classy snob to find out what really goes on, when the curtain closes. The San Franscico Symphony concluded their performance at Carnegie Hall last Friday in fantastic fashion at which time I became a witness of symphony culture. For one, you have the tuba player who was obviously the party animal and instigator of all things corrupt. I only hope that hiding liquor and illegal substances in his large instrument is the worst he uses it for. On the other end of the spectrum the uptight violinists wanted nothing to do with anything that was against the rules while the clarinets were all jealous of the flutists because they were getting all the guys. The cellists kept things lively with their dimwitted humor and their low IQ kept them as the center of the tubists practical jokes. The arrogant rhythym section thought they were too cool to be a part of the festivities but deep inside wished they were the center of attention. Which brings us back to the wind section, the oboe just rolled his eyes while the clarinets, who were still jealous of the flutists, were resorting to exhibitionism in an effort to gain attention. Lastly, the rest of the brass section, or the tuba's lackies as I like to call them, did as they always did, just follow around the tuba in hopes that he would notice them and promote them to the cool group. In the end the tuba just made them keep a lookout to ensure they didn't get caught by the conductor.

Skidmarks on the underpants of capitol hill

2008-09-25T22:08:00.001-05:00

The other day I was thinking about the current status of affairs in our country when it came to me that you and I are witnessing history unfold before our eyes. We are taking part in a chapter in our nation’s history that has yet to be written. If I were to be the one writing the chapter that I’m referring to you know what I would call it? “The Worst Eight Years In American History.” What I would cite as evidence to support my thesis would be all the “worsts” that we have endured during this last decade.
• The worst foreign attack on American soil
• The longest America has ever been involved in war on foreign soil
• The worst financial collapse since WWII
• The worst presidential approval rating
• The worst natural disaster in Hurricane Katrina
• The worst budget deficit in American history
• Do I need to mention inflation and gas?
• Most crowded prisons where 500 out of every 100,000 people are in prison
• The worst mass murder in US history at Virginia Tech
• The worst drought which occurred in the west during 2001-2003 (possibly a result of the worst shape our environment has been in)
Anyway, I could probably go on, but I don’t really want to googlize or put much effort into another of my rantings. Tonight I listened to Bush blabber on about spending 700 billion dollars of taxpayer money and that was enough ranting for me. Do you realize how much that costs each taxpayer? It roughly comes to $7,000 per taxpayer (based on 2005 data). I don’t know about you, but after listening to this I got the feeling that having the government take over private business was a little communistic. If you share a similar feeling I would advise you to keep it to yourself and don’t mention it to anybody, especially over the phone because it would be very likely that the government is listening in on your conversation. Gotta love the Patriot Act. Yes, I am that paranoid….I try not to go anywhere without my aluminum foil hat.

The Winds of Change

2008-09-10T22:11:00.012-05:00

Back when I was training for the St. George marathon, I knew there were probably going to be times that sucked. Generally, things went pretty well, until I got hit by a car. You would think being involved in a hit and run is pretty crappy, and well, you’d be right; however, running 20 miles up Logan Canyon wasn’t my idea of a good time either. This post is really about the guy who was generous enough to drive up the canyon and try and find me when I called him early on a Saturday morning, knowing I was facing something that was bigger than the both of us, and asked him to bring me a peach. Well, I wasn’t hard to find, I was pretty much the only person running on the side of the road 10 miles up the canyon, and there might not have been a peach involved, but the Dominoes pizza was close enough.
Last week brought two surprises. One, a birthday present from my new favorite sister-in-law (apparently my love can be bought) that consisted of camping-ware that had more matching utensils than Rach and I currently own; and two, a box of bbq sauce from heaven and shirts from purgatory, Saver’s Thrift Store. Adding two new shirts to the wardrobe was awesome for both Rach and me; for me because that pretty much double my wardrobe, and for Rach because she gets to try and find two shirts to throw away, unfortunately I don’t throw away clothes so that didn’t work out so well...for her.

2008-08-31T11:35:00.001-05:00

It's the first week of college football season, and already I'm tired of official replay.

A Scam We're All In Favor Of

2008-08-30T11:13:00.007-05:00

Having spent much of the last two weeks out of school and quite bored I have looked for ways to fill my time. As I was mindlessly cruising the web, watching videos on beekeeping, catching up on the reasons why Brett Favre randomly chose the Jets, I came across my health insurance plan that I receive through the school. For one year's service I paid $2,228 to have myself covered (wish I would have seen that earlier). All students are required to have health insurance and I'm not sure why. To date, the health costs I have incurred are the intial $2,228 for the insurance and another $187.00 for lab fees that apparently weren't covered when I went in for a physical. The 'turn your head and cough' was fully covered by insurance which roughly costs about $200 (for the sake of having to calculate anything lets say the cost of the physical was $187 which is a straight up trade for what I paid and what was covered). So what did I pay $2,228 for?

Why even have insurance? In my best estimation, people have insurance just in case they get something serious, like cancer. Essentially, I am placing $2,228 a year as a bet that I will get cancer (or something else as costly and serious). Being a person who enjoys gambling, this is not a bet I would take...the odds are way too far in the house's favor.

What if I did get cancer? The secong most common form of cancer (behing skin cancer) is lung cancer, as a non-smoker, getting this form of cancer is unlikely. The third most common type of cancer is prostate cancer. So if I did get prostate cancer the average cost of treatment (in 2002) would be $18,261 (Journal of the National Cancer Institute). After much argument with the insurance company lets pretend they actually covered all of it. In essence, I would have to be diagnosed with prostate cancer ever 8.2 years to break even. Having the cancer more often would be getting me more for my money and getting it less frequently means you might as well pay for it with your own cash because the insurance company is making money off of you. Hopefully, if I were to get cancer it would be colorectal cancer, which is the fifth most common cancer, because its average cost of treatment is $41,134. This means I could go 18.5 years before my next bout with colorectal cancer and still break even (hopefully I would get it more frequently that way I would be getting more for my money). The incentive to live irresponsibly and wreckless is there, if you're paying for it you might as well use it.

Can You Hear Them Scream

2008-08-27T08:28:00.005-05:00

Even at 27 I still do things that amaze myself! I went to the store (by myself), bought the lobster (with Rach's money), went to the dollar store to buy a pot big enough (actually the 99 cent more or less store), and then put together an entire meal (only burning myself once....but it was pretty bad). A couple of days ago I went with Rach to go grocery shopping and saw they were having a sale on lobster and joked with her that's what I wanted for my b-day dinner. After seeing the fright in her eyes of having to cook something alive, I kept teasing her about it until I believed that I actually wanted the lobster dinner. The lobster dinner was awesome (as that is all it can be since I made it) and Rach made eclairs that were way better than any trendy cupcake could ever be.

Oh, as an ammendum to the last post: I totally forgot to mention going to Dave and Buster's. D and B's is a nickel-cade for adults which makes for a totally sad afternoon to watch grown men and women walk around with handfuls of tickets that they spent probably more than $50 to get so that at the end of the day they can buy $5 shot glasses, a $10 t-shirt, and in my case pop-rocks, licorice studded with nerds, and a fruit rollup. Rach had a good time as she complained about not being able to used her tickets to buy anything good and I concurred, as I was angry that they didn't have a switchblade comb. All that was reconciled as I watched Rach rip apart Dance, Dance, Revolution like she owned the game and played every weekend while living at the Old Farm Apartments in Logan, Utah.

Ankle Socks

2008-08-26T10:19:00.004-05:00

This two weeks off school has been pretty nice. Well, lazy, to be exact. In all honesty, I have probably been more lazy than Michael Moore getting dressed in the morning. I've watched a lot of South Park, court tv, and various movies (of which I recommend Rata-toowee, or whatever, and Zodiac; for the love of all that is holy steer clear of Phonebooth, and Drillbit Taylor). I really wanted to go kayaking over the weekend but a communication error between Rach and I occurred and somehow we ended up washing and waxing the car instead.

I did get to do one of my favorite things, gamble. Sometimes I feel gambling to me is what Twinkies are to Oprah, I'm just glad that gambling is more healthy. It's great because there are really high highs, which can be followed but tremendous lows, but if you stick through it and always remember to split Aces and Eights then you'll usually be alright. I got Rach to finally sit down at the table for a while which might prove more disastrous than I thought because as we were driving home at 3 AM she was doing all sorts of math in her head (always a dangerous thing) trying to figure out how we can cut costs so that we can fit a monthly Atlantic City trip into our budget. I'll be organizing an intervention in a couple of months for Rach and her gambling problem for those who want to make it. For those unable to attend feel free to send checks or casino chips in lieu of your presence.

Makin Room For Uzbekistan

2008-08-22T10:28:00.004-05:00

I love the perfect timing of the Olympics. It comes at that time of summer when there isn't anything good to watch on tv, forcing you to watch the exciting events of badminton, archery, field hockey, bmx, ping pong, handball, and my personal favorite...dressage. I do find myself quite annoyed sometimes though, like when I'm watching sand volleyball or track and it is clearly nighttime in Beijing but the competitors feel compelled to still wear their sunglasses like it makes them cool or something. It's almost as bad as seeing people wear sunglasses indoors or on their head while at church. However, the Olympics also remind me of the Summer Games that I put on while in college. Events included, how long you could stay in the hot tub while it was 100 degrees outside, sand volleyball, peach cobbler dutch ovening, swimming pool handstands, cartwheeling down old main, poker face stare downs, cliff diving, lotto ticket purchasing, and the fan favorite...ice block races. The five star firework display that was smuggled in from Evanstong capped the games and all were left bruised....battered.....olympic. In hindsight I see where my training went wrong as I spent more time preparing for the lotto ticket purchasing event and underprepared for the cartwheel roll along. I have since learned from my mistakes and seeing as it has been a good 7 years (yikes) since the last Summer Games Send-off I'm feeling it will be time to organize anew. Finding contestants may be difficult in this neck of the woods but events won't be too difficult to come by as there can easily be: the chinatown haggle, the 100 flyer handout, the crosstown hustle, the broadway bitchout, the tourist dress-off, the hand sanitizing race, the taxi cab haildown, and the pizza slice chew-off.

Are You Lookin' At My Eye?

2008-08-15T20:12:00.004-05:00

Unicorns Are Kick Ass

2008-08-15T20:12:00.003-05:00

You Can Have The Shirt Off My Front

2008-07-30T20:44:00.005-05:00

I don't understand the obsession people have with clothes. They enjoy clothes so much, that when they're feeling depressed they go out and buy new ones, and this makes everything better. I don't get it. I wear clothes until they wear out, and that is the only time they get replaced. The key word in that sentance is "replaced." There is no adding going on to my wardrobe. I guess it is the type of personality I have because I do the same with food. Until growth appears on all the slices of bread, no new loaf is needed. Cheese is a very growth friendly environment but is good because the growth is restricted to just the outer layer which is easily removed thereby exposing a wonderfully cheesy center. The real question resides with how worn is too worn? I've concluded that as long as 2/3rds nip is concealed then it can be worn.

I do admit that when times were good there was a constant addition of clothes to my wardrobe. These good times were the sole result of having a Savers thrift store near the bowling alley I frequented frequently. The thursday league I belonged to aligned perfectly with 50% off anything with a pink sticker days at Savers. Never before have I owned so many used jerseys, hawaiian shirts, DARE shirts, Team Building Exercise '99 shirts, and infamous 'who dunnit' shirts. I also was a fan of their lackadaisical philosophy towards changing rooms and as long as you were quick enough, they were unnecessary. Lucky for me, as I'm surrounded by all the fancy New Yorkers who care so much about fashion, Rach doesn't really care how I look (probably because if she did it would take way too much to overhaul myself enough to look respectable). And as long as I don't care if I look bad, why should she. To her credit she is getting pretty good at cutting my hair (it took several tense haircuts, but I think she is getting comfortable with busting out the scissors, closing her eyes, and letting it rip).

Hi, I'm Troy McClure And I'm Going To Beat You Down

2008-07-27T22:52:00.002-05:00

Number of 5 yr. olds I could take in a fight: 28

How many can you take? To find out, click Here

Ninja Warrior

2008-07-22T08:19:00.005-05:00

It probably didn't take more than 1 year of being with me until Rach had eaten more BBQ and meat products than she had ever eaten before. It probably didn't take much longer than that until she became a food critic with me. We consider ourselves food snobs even though we eat at cheap restaurants and bbq shanties (occasionally we make it to an expensive restaurant, but these ones disappoint us more than the others). It probably began while we still lived in Logan and I made an effort to eat at every restaurant in the county. Most of our little favorites remain in Utah, but Florida had a few decent places to eat. I think Rach is still satisfied from the alligator burger she had at this little crawfish shack on the river.

Last weekend we had an eating fest and Rach tried to con me into another challenge to eat at every place in Manhattan. I took her up on the offer, but on the condition that if I didn't accomplish that feat of strength Rach will have to eat at White Castle for a week. Case closed. Basically what we found were two restaurants neither of us were happy with, one greek and the other bbq. I'm proud of Rach because she knows what good bbq tastes like. For us eating out is sort of depressing because we are usually disappointed in the quality of food that we are paying for. Either way, restaurants are a gimmick and are generally unsatisfactory.

BKs, Reeboks, and a Whole Lotta Hood

2008-07-15T12:12:00.002-05:00

Who would you rather beat down:
a) Brendan Fraser
b) That guy who played Ross on "Friends"

2008-07-14T11:21:00.005-05:00

Check out the link to my newly found favorite blog....

Elect Gob

2008-07-14T10:39:00.004-05:00

Generally, I'm not a fan of most blogs. Too many times I find blogs with excessive pictures and posts of people's weddings, babies, or family parties to carry my interest long. A constant I find on these blogs is that the writer has married "the best, kindest, most spiritual, most worthy, individual on the face of the planet." Most of those qualities interest me about as much as their post about little Johnny wetting himself during Aunty Jane's wedding; however, I am interested in their comments about their spouse. They must have all married the same person...Scott. So I decided for the next 7-12 days (or until I get bored) I'm going to do things that will eventually cause Rach to make a personal profile on her blog where she says something nice about me. Here's where I need your help...What kind of things should I do to begin this manipulation(?) process. FYI, I'm not going for the "most worthy, spiritual" comments so please I rebuke any comments that recommend doing my home teaching, or attending all 3 hrs of church. What I am going for is to have her say something nice about me, like, she's glad she married me or "if marrying a stud who has the highest probability of getting arrested for being too awesome was my goal in getting married...then I couldn't have made a better choice." You know, I'm going for stuff that matters here. Oh, recommendations like doing the dishes doesn't work either, I'm pretty sure Rach is looking more for someone who
is awesome, not gay.

These Fumes Make Me Feel Good

2008-07-10T09:37:00.001-05:00

The hit at the end of this made me laugh for way too long

I Can Break These Cuffs

2008-07-01T20:27:00.003-05:00

Apparently doing backflips aren't as effective in evading the police as one might think, yet if you were to plan a flawless casino robbery wouldn't you blanket the area with 1000 guys like this to distract the local police force....

Like A Bad Tempered Prom Queen At A Homecoming Dance

2008-06-29T12:36:00.003-05:00

You learn many things after several years of marriage. Mainly, what the other person's annoyances are and how to push those buttons. I found another one of Rach's the other day as I was watching Maria Sharapova and commenting on her athletic ability, and by athletic ability I mean long legs, toned arms, and fine figure. As you can see, I'm still slightly scared to push anymore of Rach's buttons by my use of the word 'figure' in describing somebody who is thin and under the age of 50. My goal in marriage is to create total gruntlement and have now realized that by watching Sharapova Rach gets pretty disgruntled. This reaction is quite different than the one I get by trapping Rach in corner. What do I mean by corner? Well, quite literally I mean the corner of a room. To most people Rach is known as funny, caring, controlled, calm, and collected. That's just because you've never seen her cornered in a room. She quickly becomes frantic, panicked, and quite crazy. Which is quite hilarious. Sometimes, when I'm playful (and usually when she's not) I purposely trap her in the corners of the apt. under the guise of teaching her how to deal with an assailant (bad excuse, I know) but really I just find it funny to watch Rach become irrational and disoriented in her own apt. I realize it is behavior like this that makes me an a-hole but somewhere along the line I inherited a recessive a-hole gene that makes me act like that.

On the flip side, I have annoyances too. Like girls who take pictures of themselves and make every shot a glamour shot. This is the main reason why I can't join communities like myspace or facebook. What is funny is that it seems like these people never have somebody else taking the picture for them. It is always them making some kind of ridiculous pose, with a kissy face, one arm around their friend (who usually gets cut out of the frame to make room for the model pose), and the other arm holding out the camera. I usually just think it is sad because these people are just marginally attractive (at best).

Possible Future Mainer

2008-06-22T21:05:00.004-05:00

I spent the last week in Maine checking things out. After doing some sea kayaking, sailing, lobster eating, hiking, and tree tipping, I also had 15 seconds of fame. Rach already linked the video to her page so all you need to do is click here.

Continuing the last post, I get to add one other run-in with the law. On the way back from Maine we stopped in Connecticut for a soda and on the way back to the freeway I got pulled over. It was for not stopping at a stop sign. I really wish I could show you the roads because it wasn't even a four way road. It was the road I was driving on, which leads to the road I was turning on, and then 2 dirt roads. Who needs to come to a complete stop to see if anyone is barreling down a dirt road? When the cop approached the first thing out his mouth was "are you really from Utah?" Well, let's see...I have a Utah driver's license, my car's tags say "Utah," I'm going to go with Yes, I am really from Utah. The next thing he asked was, "do you know how much the state of Connecticut charges for what you just did?" Okay, referring you to the fact that I'm from Utah, the answer to that one is going to be "No." Luckily for me he let me go with a warning, but this did provide insight to the friend that was with me in just how badly I deal with police. I'm like a train wreck trying to talk to those guys.

I also forgot an incident that should be added to the last post. It happened when Rach and I were driving back from the Keys in Florida. We were going the speed limit, following the drunk driver in front of us at a safe distance as we drove through this small town, when the red and blue started flashing behind me. Thinking it was for the guy in front of us, I slowed and pulled over but was shocked when the cop stayed behind me. He asked if I knew why he was pulling me over and I told him I had no idea. Apparently, my license plate light was burned out and he felt the urge to write me a ticket for it. So while he was doing the paperwork in his car Rach and I started counting the cars that passed with burned out license plate lights. With more than 5 cars passing us with burned out lights all I can do is just shake my head and say, "oh, well" because life is probably just going to get a whole lot worse.

Gypsy Moth

2008-06-03T08:36:00.004-05:00

It's usually about every 6 months or so that I have a run-in with the police and it has been 5 months since the long arm of the law has tried taking me down. It really makes me nervous because I get in trouble for the strangest of things that I really don't know what I'll be doing next when the police strike. What really causes my downfall is that I act very suspiciously whenever I see a cop because I'm so sure they'll pull me over. Here are just a few of my run-in's:

Got a ticket for driving a 49 cc scooter without a motorcycles license. Rachael had been driving it for 2 yrs. without any problems and one of the first times I take it out I get a ticket. He made me push it home.
Got a warning for trespassing while walking in the tunnels at USU
Got ticketed for driving without a seatbelt. They stopped me because the car I was driving didn't have a front license plate; however, it was registered in Michigan where they don't require a front license plate.
Got a warning for reckless driving for driving my truck through a large puddle in the road after it rained. Apparently the cop said I was hydroplaning.
Got a warning, and a "have you been drinking?", when I made a U-turn on New Year's.
Got another "have you been drinking?" when, as a freshmen in college, some friends and are were playing a hide and seek game and I was hiding in some bushes and found by a cop.
Got a ticket for driving with my tire on the solid white line. During the same traffic stop I was warned for signaling without turning and trying to run away from the cop. The only one of those infractions I was aware of was signaling without turning (so I changed my mind about going to Carl's Jr., so kill me)
Got a warning for disturbing the peace while some friends and I were making a movie. We were 16 or so, and the movie was called "Cops."
Warned for fishing without a license on memorial day in the Everglades. Totally lucked out on this one.
Got a ticket for doing a rolling stop at a stop sign. "But officer, I downshifted."
Warned for speeding down Sardine canyon. Luckily the cop was a Harley fan and since that was the weekend I proposed to Rachael, I was on a Harley.
Only 1 speeding ticket (9 mph over). They got me right at the place where the speed limit changed from 55 mph to 45 mph.
Another reckless driving incident. This time my friend was driving and had driven his car through a mud puddle in some field next to the road. He probably would have gotten away with it the first or second time he went through the puddle, but the third consecutive lap is what cost him.
Ticketed in the NYC subway for not paying. I don't know how this is possible, since I own a monthly unlimited pass. Also, who gets a ticket in the subway?
One ticket for being too awesome.

I think these are most of my run-in's with the law. Am I the only one that gets tickets for the stupidest things? Probably just another example of profiling.

2008-05-26T11:38:00.001-05:00

"There can only be one Neil Diamond, all others will be destroyed"
Neil Diamond

Herriman Is For Lovers

2008-05-19T08:03:00.001-05:00

My congratulations go out to the homosexuals in California who are now able to get married legally. Gay marriage is quite a hot topic these days but I don’t have an opinion one way or another because I don’t really care. There are two things that might sway my opinion though. Give ‘em what they want so they quit wining, and the birth rate. The birth rate? That’s right, the birth rate. I feel crowded. There are too many people. Even when you go to the mountains you have to fight crowds. So by having gay marriage, more people will make the commitment to a life partner, and be less likely to have kids. That’s okay by me. However, I’m a little disconcerted with giving rights to one group just because they’re loud and flamboyant and taking the rights away of another. What I mean is, what is the reasoning in allowing gay marriage and not legalizing polygamy? The motto of gays around California right now is “live and let live,” and when somebody says, “no, its not right for a man to marry another man,” then that person is attacked for being closed minded and a bigot. Yet, would a gay person condone marriage of multiple partners? I dunno, but I would be interested in finding out.

Polygamy is an interesting beast. I think I have figured out what is appealing about it (besides the obvious). Okay, so in a regular monogamous marriage you have a woman who spends most of her time trying to train, and mold her man into what she wants. Most of the time what she wants is someone who is neat, caring, clean, emotional, thoughtful, patient, sincere, good with children, and sensitive. Basically, a girl. By having multiple wives all of this is bypassed because one wife is able to vent to one of the other wives and have that emotional bond while leaving the husband out of it. He is able to remain a man, she doesn’t feel like she has to change him into a girl, and she is emotionally fulfilled.

Just a few things I’ve been trained to do since being married has been

There are two identical white towels in the bathroom, one I can wipe my hands on and one I can’t. I’m right about 50% of the time
I can know of other girls, but I’m not supposed to know other girls.
Dishes are done before dinner, not after
Speaking of dishes, there is no such thing as “soaking”
When relaxing in the apt while scantily clad (or non-clad), I’m not allowed to sit anywhere
I’m not supposed to fix problems, just listen about them
I’m supposed to want to clean and do nice things, and not do them because ‘I have to’

Rach abhors polygamy so I should pretty much end this post by mentioning I am in no way supportive of polygamy or its ugly twin monogamy. Well, I guess I sort of support monogamy.

I Really Want To See The New Narnia Movie Get In A Fight With IronMan

2008-05-08T10:30:00.004-05:00

I read an article about the tragedy at the Kentucky Derby this morning which was agreeable and quite interesting until I read the very last line which ruined the entire article for me:
"Eight Belles was a horse. But really, she was one of us"
What type of retard writes something like that? I can just see some journalist sitting in their cramped cubicle wondering just how they could end their article with a bang; in a way that would evoke tender emotions to their readers. This is what they came up with. It evoked emotions all right. It makes me want to go to their office, rub their nose in their article, and say "bad journalist, bad, bad journalist," and kick them outside until they've learned not to make a mess in the newspaper.

Bobo

2008-05-06T08:12:00.004-05:00

Barbara Walters may seem innocent at first glance, but she's a prostitute. Don't know what I mean? Watch David Letterman this Friday night and you'll get the picture. You might also see my arm in the top right corner of the screen as they pan the audience in one of the shots. Rach and I went and saw Barbara Walters, Penn and Teller, and some D list actress on "How I Met Your Mother" or something like that. Depending on how they edit the show, Barbara had her mind in the gutter the entire time, I figured out Penn and Teller's trick, and the D list actress was boring. Dave didn't really like her because as soon as the show was over he took off to his dressing room super fast leaving her there wondering what was going on. This was my first time watching a taping of a tv show, unless you count that time that Red Green was at the UofU, and I felt lied to. Somehow they make the everything look big when it is actually very small (a trick they may have learned from Enzyte). Everything from the size of the stage to the audience is smaller than it looks on tv. As we were waiting in line Rachael got a chance to play paparazzi as she snapped all sorts of photos of Jimmy Kimmel and Sara Silverman as they were leaving the building from the earlier show. After seeing Sara in person I think her initials should be changed from double S to double D. I also got a good picture of the back of Penn (or Teller's) head.

I Speak The Language Of Bikini

2008-04-28T12:06:00.002-05:00

Last week Rach and I were invited to go to central park fro a picknic and a hull-a-balloo to celebrate it being warm. That Fri. I got a text asking us if we wanted to go but not having free text messaging, I usually just blow texts off. On Sat. I got another text so I sucked it up and took the $.05 hit and wrote back, "sorry, I didn't get back to you yesterday, I was watching judge judy and forgot...I have to study on Saturday but after 6 o'clock we can probably show up." Before I got the reply I went into the batheroom to take a study break and consequently forgot I wrote the text. A few minutes into my study break, rach starts bellowing through the bathroom door, "who's judy!!" I had no idea what she was talking about so kept dodging her questions. She continued her attack and said, "Judy, from school...you've been wasting time with Judy from school! You got a text from Sean saying, 'if you weren't so busy wasting your time with Judy, you could have studied then and be able to come.' Now who the hell is Judy?" Ahhh, it all came rushing back to me and so I told her to read the text I sent him.

It is really surprising to me how Rach still gets jealous even after I've let myself go for the last two years. The fact that she thinks I could still get another girl is quite flattering but completely unrealistic. The only game I've got left from that bag of tricks is taking a girl to a nice dinner...like Burger King.